I've been thinking....

I can't move around much at the moment, so I've had a lot of time to sit and listen to the news coverage surrounding the tragic events in Charleston, SC. This is probably not what I should do, but this story has been heavy on my heart all day long. 

Let me begin by saying I am truly disgusted by these events. It saddens me to know this level of evil exists in the world. It also reminds me of just how quickly your entire world can change.

I was struck, while watching the news coverage, reading articles, and viewing Facebook by how many people kept saying how horrible this was that something like this happened "in a church" or "to people trying to worship God".

What does that mean exactly? Would this be any less horrible if it occurred in a bar? In a drug infested back alley? In a strip club? Are individuals in those establishments any less worthy of a life? Of course not.

Part of the issue with statements like this lies in the implication within--Are Christians better than everyone else? Are their lives more precious? Did Jesus think so? As one who is far from a Biblical scholar, I tend to shy away from Biblical references, however I feel fairly certain of the facts involving Jesus' frequent association with "undesirables".

The other issue imbedded in this tragedy may well gave more basis in fact but is still needs an examination. There is certainly reason to suspect this crime could be racially motivated and, at the risk of sparking a serious debate, why does that matter?

9 people are dead. People. Human brings. Living, breathing, sons, daughters, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, and friends. How can we ever expect to achieve anything similar to togetherness if we continually qualify ourselves with these adjectives.

Yes--the victims were African American. And if they had been Asian? Middle Eastern? Mexican? White? Biracial? Would that be better? Worse? The same? 

Why must we continually attempt to make these tragic events into arguments when what we need to do is examine why we so readily separate ourselves into these ridiculous groups?

When I think about the tragic events in Charleston, I don't think about it as a as a hate crime. I don't think about it as a racial statement. I think about it as a tragic loss--a loss that will deprive the world of 9 people and the gifts and skills they could have shared with all of us. I won't label them as Methodists, Church-goers, African Americans, or even Americans. They are people--people who were taken much too soon.

"Wage-ing" War

I have thought a lot about the fight to raise the minimum wage. I hate the thought of anyone not being able to financially support their family. I also hate the fact that many are refused public assistance because they choose to work and therefore make too much money. I understand raising the minimum wage seems like a good idea and it makes sense in theory. If people don't make enough money, have them make more money. That fixes everything, right???? Not quite.

 1) The minimum wage in SC is currently $7.25/hr. President Obama wants to raise the wage to $10.10/hr. That's almost $3/hr. Quick math here...40 hours a week..that's an additional $120. But that's great right. That pays for groceries or pays an electric bill. Maybe, but what about the business owner that has 50 minimum wage employees to pay. He/She already has to figure out how to come up with the money to fund the Affordable Care Act, now we want him/her to reach into that savings account (it's just bursting with money, right) and shell out an extra $6000 a week to pay those people?! No problem!!! Until they can't and they close and then the minimum wage workers are now unemployed workers. Hmmmm...who pays that wage?????

 2) Also, riddle me this--for all the people who make $10 or $11 or $12/hr--the people who make that because they worked with this company for 10 years and have worked hard through low wages and financial strain--what happens to their wage? Are they now the new minimum wage workers making the minimum legal wage or a dollar or so more??? How about the people that have gone to college or trade school and are at entry level salary levels (sadly a lot like what's listed above). Is this how we reward them for their time, hard work, and money spent?

 3) There is no free money. Businesses are already struggling. They can't afford to pay higher wages. This will bury many of them. Raising the minimum wage will raise the unemployment rate which in turn will send the economy into a downward spiral and what happens then?? Higher prices on goods, gas, and everything else. Home loans will be difficult to get, interest rates will increase--the general cost of living will skyrocket. At that point, the minimum wage increase is pretty much pointless.

Syria

I don't watch news all the time. If I'm being honest, there may be some days I don't watch it at all. I don't always read the newspaper and a lot of my news alerts come from local news apps on my phone. The proceeding facts should make the remainder of this entry even more disturbing. You don't need to be tuned in all day everyday to know about the problems in Syria. It's all over the news all the time--as it should be! We were horrified that Syria used chemical weapons and killed innocent children and civilians. Was it horrible? Of course. Should something be done? Of course. Do we attempt to set up some form of aide to help victims? No....we do the opposite. We threaten air strikes, because what better way to speak out against the deaths of innocents than by killing innocents???? The Syrians say they will retaliate (wouldn't you?). Does this bother our President? Does it alarm him that a country he is planning to attack has vowed retaliation? No. He says, "The notion that Mr. Assad could significantly threaten the United States is just not the case." Nice. We go into a country that has not taken any action against us supposedly to speak out against the very violence our presence will bring. We do this knowing retaliation will follow and we are arrogant and brazen enough to call them an insignificant threat on a national television interview?????? Sometimes there truly are no words.

Across the country

I guess I haven't been paying much attention to the news lately...somehow the same-sex marriage controversy in California managed to allude me until this morning. Of course I knew about the different arguments and court rulings from years ago, but I wasn't aware it was in the news again. I was brought up in church, taught the Bible, and geared toward certain standards of right and wrong. The older I get though, I start to wonder how you know for sure exactly how hard you should fight to be right. Is being right worth everything? Do I believe that homosexuality is a sin? Yes. Do I believe lying is a sin? Yes. Gluttony? Yes. Adultery? Yes. Jealousy? Yes. We all sin. We sin every single day. We sin and pray and ask for forgiveness knowing good and full well that we will sin again. Does that make us less of a sinner than a homosexual? I don't know. I know that Jesus loved the unlovable. I know that He reached out to those who were considered outcasts. I know that he would minister to people others wouldn't even go near. As Christians, we're supposed to aspire to ge like Jesus, right? Are we accomplishing that by alienating a group of people by telling them their lifestyle is sinful, disgusting, and unworthy of being recognized under the law? I don't think so. How can you witness to someone that you can't associate with. How do you witness to someone you've cast aside because their choices are against your beliefs? How can you expect someone to hear your words and see God's love in you when it is all hidden behind judgment and disdain? Personally, I believe same-sex marriage should be legally recognized. I don't agree with it as a moral choice and I would not choose to participate in that lifestyle, but I do not believe it is possible to reach people while simultaneously condemning and segregating them. Jesus met people where they were....not where He was...not where He wished they were. He took them with all their flaws. Perhaps we could strive to do the same.

"Bully": The Movie

Last night I settled in on the couch to watch a movie.  I flipped through Amazon Instant planning to choose between a comedy or drama.  The plan was to watch "Flight", but I happened across a new documentary called "Bully".  I'm not the type of person that regularly has "life-altering" moments after watching movies, but this in an exception.  I have never been as moved by anything as I was by this movie. 

If you haven't seen this movie, please find it and watch it.  Redbox, Amazon Instant, ITunes, and most big box stores carry it.  Never before have I seen a more disturbing representation of what happens every day in our schools.  This isn't a fictitious movie plot.  It's not a dramatized depiction aimed to create some sort of scandal.  This is an honest, real look at the lives of children who spend their days being absolutely tortured in schools across the country. 

Perhaps the most disturbing thing about this film is that it centers around real families that are dealing, in some cases, with the loss of their children.  These children were so tortured that they actually took their own lives in order to escape the pain.  Footage included in this documentary showed buses, hallways, and classrooms where children mocked, hit, and screamed at each other in full view of adults who stood by doing NOTHING! 

When parents came to the school officials, they are pacified and ignored.  This isn't an isolated incident.  It's not a school in another state that has an issue.  This is a world wide issue.  Every school should be dealing with this.  My mother talked about bullies when she attended school.  There were bullies when I attended school and there are bullies in schools now.  The only differences is that we have now made bullying so much more convenient. 

Children, many of whom are in grade school, are accessing social media websites.  While much of this interaction may be harmless, it can easily become an avenue for spreading hatred and rumors.  It's no longer enough that children are bullied at school; now bullying can follow them home.

I cried through most of the movie.  I wasn't bullied in school.  I had friends and family and an excellent support system.  I was happy and healthy and I never doubted my worth.  I didn't bully others, but I know that others were bullied. 

I wish I could say that I stopped it, but I didn't.  I didn't join in, but I just stood back and allowed it to happen...and that's what is happening now.  We are standing back and allowing children to be tortured.  We are standing back and watching while young people suffer to the point of taking their own lives. 

Teachers, Administrators, Staff, Parents, Friends, and most importantly--children need to become aware of the impact that bullying can have on a child.  They need to know that words can hurt.  They need to see it.  This movie can educate and inspire.  It ends with a phrase...Everything starts with one, and it does.  One person can change everything.  The child that is being bullied can be saved by one adult that steps in.  The bully can be changed by words from his/her parents.  The friend can get through to their peers who engage in hateful and hurtful behavior.  The child who has no friends can see their entire world change when one child reaches out to them. 

One person really can change everything.

Three Wooden Crosses

Even though it has been almost four years, every now and then something will happen that makes those years vanish in an instant. Tonight that something was a song. I was listening to my Ipod (on shuffle) and happened upon "Three Wooden Crosses" by Randy Travis. For a fraction of a second, I wanted to call her name and tell her that Randy Travis was playing. Those moments are the hardest.

I don't know if I'll ever get used to those first few seconds in the mornings. Usually it's after I've had a particulary vivid dream about her--I'll wake up and for a few wonderful seconds, I'll expect to hear her moving around in the house. The realization that inevitably comes is sometimes enough to make me cry.

  I guess I've been most surprised by the things I miss. I expected to miss her; she was my best friend. She was the person that I spent the most time with and the person that could make me laugh more than anyone. We had a relationship that many mothers and daughters would envy and she was the one person that I knew would move heaven and earth for me no matter what.

  Mama enjoyed taking care of people. She did everything around the house and even though I don't enjoy having to do the household chores she always took care of, that isn't even close to what I miss most about her. I miss our talks. We could talk for hours about anything. If I was complaining or ranting about something (shocking I know), she'd just sit and listen. When I finished (or paused a moment to breathe), she'd smile, look over at me and say, "Did the grumpy bug bite you?" No matter how mad or irritated I was I had to smile...I just couldn't help it. I smiled a lot when I was with her.

  I miss watching tv and movies with her. She loved funny shows and she'd laugh until she cried, but watching a sad movie with her was entertaining as well. Just as I reached the point of sobbing uncontrollably, she'd usually start shaking with laughter. She said it was nervous energy, but it's not easy to explain in a crowded movie theater.

There are times even now that I have the urge to pick up the phone and call her number. I'd give anything just to talk to her. She was such a huge part of my life that I have yet to discover all the vacant spots her absence has left. There are so many things about her that made her special and I hope she knew how blessed I felt to have her as a mother. She made up songs for me, songs that I'm so grateful to still remember. One was about a dog named Puff, not Spot, that thought he was a kitty cat. Though it sounds like a silly memory, I can hear her sing that song in my head and sometimes at night that's what gets me to sleep.

  The truth is the memories I have of her are the only things that get me through. Even though she's not here physically, I have to believe she can see things. I have to believe she knows that I am ok. I believe that she knows I'm getting the degree she always wanted me to get and I hope with everything in me that she sees that I have made it without her...just like I promised her I would.

  I wish I could hug her and tell her how much I love her, but those days are over for me. I have to remember all the times I did...and even though it still never seems like enough, I know that she knew how much I loved her. If you still have your mother in your life, never miss a moment to tell her how much you love her. Never miss a moment to hug her. Never miss a moment to tell her how much she is appreciated. When it is all said and done, those are the moments and the memories that you'll treasure.

My Grandparent's America

@toridykes:" My president is black, my senator is a lesbian and my congressman is gay. This is not your grandparents' America, and I'm ok with that." If you know me at all, and if you're reading this blog I assume you do, you know that I don't hold my tongue well. I typically do not involve myself in political discussions for that very reason. Things can get ugly fast. Today though, after reading the quoted tweet above, I simply could not stand to sit by and say nothing. I should first note that I wouldn't care if Barack Obama was purple if I thought he was a good for our country. I wasn't thrilled with either of our choices this go round, so I take issue with the comments about being too racist to support Obama. I also take issue with the fact that individuals feel led to inform me that a vote for Romney meant that I didn't care about human rights or women's rights. So in response to Tori Dyke's clever tweet, I have a few comments of my own. Unfortunately they are surpassing the 140 character mark at the moment. You're absolutely right. This isn't our Grandparent's America. My grandparents were good, honest people that made decisions based on morality, decency, and truth. My grandparents believed in God and the Bible and used those beliefs to guide them throughout their lives. My grandparents lived in a very different time. Our country made mistakes. People were mistreated--horribly, but they learned their lessons and moved forward. They knew the value of hard work and money. They didn't want people to give them anything. They wanted to earn it. They wanted to deserve it. My Grandparents believed that, as a country, we were founded on Christian beliefs. They prayed at home and in schools and they taught their children to do the same. A lot has changed since my Grandparent's America. We just made a choice between a Muslim president and a Morman candidate. When did that happen? When did it become okay in our society for a Christian candidate to not be on the ticket? When people were interviewed on the network coverage many were asked who they voted for and why. Over and over again Obama's stance on social issues was praised. Pro-choice, for same sex marriage, pro-gay rights. These are the views of the man who is leading our nation? One has to wonder what God is thinking right now. Regardless of my opinion, I will support Obama. He is our President and I will pray he leads us well. But, for the record, No--this isn't my Grandparents America, and I'm not okay with that.

The World of Work

Yesterday was a rough day....a really rough day. It wasn't necessarily that anything particularly out of the ordinary happened, but I was in a particularly out of the ordinary funk. I was ill from the moment I woke up. On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the height of snippiness (or another word that I'm sure you can imagine), I was probably an 11...maybe even a 12.

Most days I don't dislike the work that I do. For the most part I get to enter data, manage spreadsheets, key payroll, and update folders. It's all pretty standard and I like it that way. I do interact with people on some level but and it is enough to make me feel like I am still part of the world without being overwhelming.

I don't dread coming to work. I've had jobs that I've dreaded and I'm so incredibly grateful that this is not one of those. Yesterday was just one of those days in which things began to build. I think it started with the e-mails....the ones where people asked questions that they wouldn't have needed to ask if they had simply read the first e-mail I sent. It probably continued with the meeting that was held next door in which about twenty people were batting around concerns and ideas which greatly impacted my ability to concentrate and it was topped off by a series of events towards the end of the day that taxed my patience to no end. I don't have a lot of patience and by the end of they day, I'd even exhausted my emergency supply!

When I got home yesterday afternoon, I realized something. I really, really like the people I work with. If I didn't, I'd probably go crazy, but I do. I walked out yeterday after a horrible day laughing with a good friend. No matter how bad things are, the people around me can laugh with me about it. They are some of the most compassionate people I've ever met and they always make me laugh. Whether it's a simply glance during they day to convey our mutual frustration or a conversation at lunch, I am continually blessed by these people and how much I enjoy spending time with them. They understand and that's important....and I guess in the dark cloud that was yesterday, that's the silver lining.

Musings....

This one jumps around quite a bit....but it's been that kind of day. :)


I can be a little critical at times. Catch your breath...I know...that's a shocking statement for those of you that thought you knew me so well. The truth is, I'd really like to be more optimistic about the state of society, but I am a realist and quite frankly society kind of scares me. There's a whole lot of barely functioning human beings out there and some that shouldn't be out there at all. Having said that, I've been thinking about a few things that would make the world (or at least my world) a better place.

It goes without saying that world peace, ending world hunger, and ceasing oppression of all groups of people in all forms would do a whole lot to help the world, but that's not exactly what I have in mind. I'm talking about the day to day stuff...the stuff that just gets under your skin....the stuff that makes you want to grab a yard stick and...well, you get the idea.

1) Make common sense more common. Whatever happened to common sense? It seems to have taken a permanent vacation and it's not just certain segments of society....it's everywhere. People have simply stopped thinking. They no longer require themselves to think logically or rationally. It is as if they have decided that making an educated, reasonable decision is simply too much trouble, so to heck with it...let's just act stupid! Quite frankly, I'm a lot more understanding of someone that is truly ignorant that I am of someone that chooses to remain in a state of stupidity.

2) If you ask a question, keep your mouth shut long enough for someone to answer you. Very little irritates me (and I'm sure others) more than to have someone ask you a question and then interrupt you two and three times before you can get the answer out. If you wanted to run your mouth, why didn't you run it before you asked me the question. This is in the same vein as the next part of this complaint. If you already know what you are going to do, don't bother asking me a question. I have no interest in wasting my breath informing you of an opinion only to have you inform me that you're going to completely disregard everything I just said and do it your way.

3) Do not double dip. It is gross and it is becoming an epidemic. Several recent group gatherings have convinced me that table manners have been sorely neglected in our society. If you have a community dip, and you feel the need to dip your chip more than once, the correct process involves breaking the chip up into smaller pieces prior to dipping...not double dipping. I do not want to share your germs or your spit.

4) Respect personal space. There are people that are huggers...something about hugging makes them feel all warm and fuzzy inside. God bless them. I am not one of those people. I hug people at holidays, when it will offend them if I don't, and any other time I am forced by social conventions to do so. Otherwise, I would appreciate it if you kept affection to yourself. It's nothing personal...I just don't feel the need to express my feelings for you in a way that involves smelling your shampoo.

5) Advice is appreciated when it is asked for...when it's not...not so much. I am 29 years old. I am unmarried and childless. My life is not incomplete. I do not live in a state of constant depression because I am looking for my other half. I am fine. I would be open to the idea of getting married and having children some day, but if it doesn't happen, I am ok with that. I could do without ever hearing another person ask me, "So, when are you gonna move out and get married?" or "Don't you want to have any kids? How old are you now?" My personal favorite is still "You just don't want to end up old and alone." Well, that's it then...I'll just get married so I won't grow up and be old and alone. That sounds like the foundation for a perfect marriage to me.


I think what the world needs most of all is a little more appreciation for differences in all aspects of life. Everyone doesn't need to be a cookie cutter of everyone else. Not everyone needs to be married. Not everyone is cut out to have a college degree. We need people to be cashiers, waiters, secretaries, etc. These are perfectly honorable occupations and we need to stop drilling the merits of college into student's heads. Sure, college is great. I'm going back myself. It can open up a world of opportunity and lots more money, but it can also put you in tons of debt and it doesn't guarantee you a job.

I believe that certain beliefs are important and the little stuff isn't so important. I believe that denominations are killing faith. People get so wrapped up in whether you go to this church or that church and whether you are Baptist or Methodist or Church of God that they forget the big picture. I think it's about God and believing and accepting Him.

People need to stop worrying so much about what experts say and start doing what they think is right and what works for them. You can spend your whole life not eating microwave popcorn and throwing out your cell phone because of this study and that study. You can stop feeding your children red dye and you can never eat another hot dog and tomorrow it can all be over. I understand not purposely endangering yourself, but living in fear of all these different diseases because some "expert" said it's bad is crazy.

This will offend people. You’ve been warned.

I think part of the reason I’m as outspoken as I am is because Mama wasn’t. She lived most of her life thinking things but not saying them. She would say them to me and I would constantly say, “Why didn’t you just tell him/her that?” and she’d say, “I didn’t want to cause trouble.” She worried so much about how what she said made other people feel that she gave very little thought to how not saying anything made her feel. Mama was always so “nice”. I’m not “nice” and I know that. I don’t want to be nice. I want to be honest. I want to be fair, but it is perfectly ok with me if I’m not “nice”. I think “nice” is fake. Nobody is always nice. People that pretend they are put on a great act. Mama was the absolute best person I ever knew. She cared about people more than anyone I knew and probably will ever know, but even she was not always as “nice” as she pretended to be. There were many times when she would have loved to tell someone exactly what she thought. Every so often if you hit her at just the right (or wrong..depending on your perspective) moment she would lose it, but those moments were few and far between.



Mama taught me a lot and one of my biggest regrets is that I didn’t realize just how smart she was until after she was gone. The way she raised me is a dying art. She told me to do things and I did them. If I didn’t do them, I was in trouble….and I knew it. I don’t remember getting a lot of spankings. I don’t remember getting fussed at a lot, but I do remember knowing not to do things that would get me in trouble. I knew my boundaries because I had been taught them. Mama told me that if I ever got trouble in school that “I had not seen trouble until I walked in that house.” I never asked what that meant. I never needed to know. I never tested it. She meant what she said and I knew it. I was taught to act like an adult by being around adults. Good behavior was expected and I knew it.



I don’t think children are different now. I’m sure some personalities respond better to some discipline methods, but the fact is….if your child is going crazy in public, whatever you’re doing…it’s not working. Eventually the child that is kicking and screaming in Target is going to have to go to school. They are going to have to learn to sit in a desk for hours and work….quietly. They won’t have the option of being removed and given a chance to calm down and cool off….unless of course we give them some special accommodations to assist them with the behavioral needs. Is that really what this world has come to? Children having “their moments” are allowed to act however they want and no one is supposed to be annoyed….and if they are, they’re supposed to be the people that should leave? I don’t think so.



Public places have rules….if your child is disrupting a public place, they should be the one to leave…not everyone else. Quite frankly I don’t think they have a right to be there if their behavior is not within socially acceptable guidelines. This is one of those situations where providing for one is infringing upon the rights of the many. Just because someone can't handle their child's temper tantrum doesn't mean the entire restaurant/mall/store/movie theater should have to be subjected to it...and it certainly doesn't mean that the other patrons should be the ones that have leave.


As you can see, this is a real hot-button issue for me as I've had many a meal ruined by a child that was out of control. I started to look online to see how many restaurants actually had child policies and the result was actually surprising. Larger cities have numerous restaurants that don't allow children and still other restaurants have child free nights. One restaurant that got a great deal of attention due to their no-children under six policy has actually posted 20% gains since the policy started and reports a extremely positive response (11 to 1) to the change.

I know I'm not going to change any minds here and I'm not trying to, really. It isn't my place to tell someone how to parent their child. I just want people to understand why I feel the way I do.

If I ever have children (I don't plan to, but if I ever do) I'll raise them the same way my mother raised me. I don't care how different from me they are. It doesn't matter--to me the philosophy doesn't change. She expected a lot from me. She expected me to act civilized and controlled and respectful--and I did. I did it because I knew she expected it and I didn't want to disappoint her. I also knew that embarrassing her in public would end badly for me. I wasn't afraid of her, but I respected her. She obviously did something right.

OD'ed on PC

First of all, this post will probably anger some people. I would apologize, if I were sorry, but the truth is I'm really not. If you know me at all, you'll know I'm not very good at sugarcoating things. I say what I feel and if you don't like it--well then, you don't. That's ok. This was actually inspired by my cousin, Kimberly's, facebook post. She and I have very different views on pretty much every issue in the world. It's gotten more obvious as we've gotten older, but the fact remains we're very different people. We still get along fine (at least I think we do), but we disagree on Facebook quite frequently so much so that I imagine she sighs when she sees a notification of my posts.


Having said that....one of her recent posts brought up the subject of children--more specifically the fact that spanking, in her opinion, is a discipline method that shouldn't be a first resort and one that she will not use in public. The discussion continued into the fact that spanking doesn't make more well-behaved children...yada..yada...yada...


Here's my take. I don't have children, but I was once a child and I can tell you that I received exactly three spankings in my lifetime. I can tell you when I received them and why I received them. I can also tell you that I knew better than to ever do what I did to get those spankings again. That's how spanking should work. You shouldn't have to go around spanking your children every day. You should be able to discipline your children and have them connect the discipline to their behavior. If your children are misbehaving in public and you want to remove them from the situation, go for it, but is it really teaching your children anything to prove to them that their behavior dictates the family's agenda.


To give children an easy out by saying "they are just kids" is bizarre to me. I was with my mother at doctor's appointments, grocery stores, hospitals, and a variety of other public areas for most of my childhood and I NEVER considered acting the way I see children acting. My mom would have brought my world to a screeching halt and I knew it. She never dreaded taking me places. She commented about that countless times. I can remember an incident in Target when we struck up a conversation with a young mother in line in front of us. She was pulling her child off a rack and lamenting the fact that she "had to bring him with her today." When she left Mama looked at me and said, "I never hated bringing you with me. You knew better than to even think about acting that way."


I'm not advocating parents beating on their children in public because they giggled too loud, but if your child is a public nuisance, it's unfair. Their right to be in public does not trump my right to have a quiet, peaceful dinner. It is your responsibility to keep your children from infringing upon the rights of everyone else around you.


I have three dogs...how would you feel about me letting them out in the morning at about 5 am so they could bark and wake up the whole neighborhood? I'd be willing to bet that more than a few people would be unhappy...but why? They're just dogs..and dogs are supposed to bark.

whew, I feel better....

Memories

I thought about doing this last year, but I think it was simply too soon for me. After you lose someone that is so important to you, you're told that it will get easier and that time will make it better. At first, you think people are crazy. You're certain that nothing will ever make it easier, and in some aspects, you're right. There will never be a day when I will be ok with losing my Mama. There will never be a time when I won't experience a twinge of sadness when I see mothers and daughters together or when I see a Mother's Day card. The thing that time has brought me is perspective. For quite a few months after Mama died, every memory of her made me cry. It was a reminder of everything that I lost. Thinking of her was painful because it just reminded me that she wasn't here with me any longer. Sometimes I still cry. Sometimes I still feel alone. Sometimes I even think that I haven't made much progress at all, but even then, I'll think of something and I'll smile. I have finally reached the point where memories of her can make me laugh....and that's the best I can hope for. I wanted to write this post not to blather on and on about what I've been through but to honor Mama in a way that I think she deserved. I want to tell you things about her that I loved and the things that I appreciated.

1) Mama never put herself first. From the time I was little, I never remember a time when we were not caring for my grandparents. She wanted them to have company and to never feel lonely. After they became too ill to be alone, we practically moved in here. Mama was the main caretaker in the house and no matter how tired she got, she never let them see it. I watched her work through her own sicknesses. I watched her work through mine. I watched her make suppers and fix medicines and shuttle them back and forth to the doctors. I watched her do all this...not because she had to...but because she knew they needed her. I can remember when Grandaddy died, Mama told me that she didn't have any idea what she was going to do because she'd never had a time in her life where she didn't feel like she had to take care of them. After I found out that she had passed away, the first thing I thought of was them. She was finally with them again and none of them needed to be taken care of anymore.

2) Mama would have done anything in the world for me. All through school, she never missed an APT meeting or a school play. I always had homemade lunches and I was able to bring in snacks for our school parties. I never lacked anything that I needed and I never wanted for anything. She took an interest in my life which taught me that I was important to her. She also took an interest in my schoolwork which made me be a better student. Even throughout high school, she was aware of what my classes were and who my teachers were. I never felt unimportant no matter how much she had going on.

3) Mama always had time for me. Some of my best memories are of us singing some of her "homemade tunes" in the car. She had a knack for coming up with silly songs, one of which was "Puff not Spot" about a dog that thought he was a kitty cat. These songs were just for me and that's what made them special. I never doubted that I was...not for a second. Every night before bed, she'd sing and read to me. Many a night, I'd fall asleep to songs or stories of Miss Piggle Wiggle. Even now, I can sing those songs and though she's not here to sing them to me, I like to think she knows I still think about it.

4) A few things Mama loved:

Randy Travis--Mama always said she would never fly unless someone gave her an all expense paid trip to fly and meet Randy Travis.

Cello cherries--She liked them best straight out of the freezer. I find them revolting. I never did understand her affinity for them.

Duke--Duke died almost one week to the day after Mama did. I think he went to find her. I hope he's with her now. I think he is.

Thinking back, I know I am incredibly luck. For one, I had an absolutely amazing Mother for 26 years. For another, I had a chance to say everything I needed to say to her and I know she heard me. Not everyone gets that chance, and I'm thankful for it. I'll never forget the woman she was and everything she taught me. I know everything happens for a reason, and I can only hope that one day I'll understand. As it stands now, I'll never forget the woman she was and everything she's taught me. She loved me everyday and I'll love and remember her forever.

Catching Up...

So it's been a while since I've posted. Here's a brief overview of my life the last few months:

1) I've developed yet another medical issue. It all started in the middle of the night when I was seriously contemplating the amputation of my big toe. When I hobbled into work the next morning, and explained the situation, I was given all sorts of possible solutions. Most people were convinced I'd injured it somehow yet there were a few that thought it was gout. One dear friend remarked, "It can't be gout...only old men get gout." Good news guys, that rumor can be put to rest....twenty-something year old females also get gout. Lucky me. :)

2) Frightening development in my life...while I was in the doctor's office waiting on them to diagnose my toe issue, I was filling out paperwork. When I had to fill out my age, it occurred to me that I couldn't remember how old I was. When does that happen exactly? When you can't remember for sure if you're 27 or 28 or maybe 29. It's sad that I don't even keep track. It's even sadder that doing the math in my head was incredibly difficult.

3) Working full time, trying to keep a house running, and being a full time student stinks! I always liked school and I still enjoy the classes, but this whole working full time and coming home to the other job of being a student is tougher than I planned. Before you say it, I know that I'll be so glad I did it once it's done. I'm just not thrilled with the process at the moment.

4) I think I might have a serious addiction to technology. I don't quite know when it happened. It is indeed a rare occurrence to find me without my Kindle/Ipod/Ipad/Droid/Computer with me. It's a scary state of affairs when someone as anti-social as myself has become this connected to the world.

5) A few quotes I've found recently that I quite enjoyed.... Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. -Mark Twain There are no stupid questions. There are a lot of inquisitive idiots. Sometimes the first screw that comes loose is the one that holds the tongue firmly in place.

Eureka!

I came to a startling conclusion today that may cause me to rethink my entire philosophy on life. I've been operating under the belief that a great percentage of the population is just plain dense, which you might realize, is a nice word for stupid. Mind you, I'm not actually calling them limited in a mental capacity, I'm simply referring to their possession of an element of common sense. Today, as I was responding to an e-mail...saying the same thing for quite possibly the fourth time, it occur ed to me....Most people aren't stupid...they are LAZY!

It's all a giant conspiracy. It's not that people don't know how to do things. No one can honestly be that stupid. You can't possibly explain something five and six times to one person and not at some point get through to them....unless of course they don't want to get it! Ahhhh...comes the dawn.

You see, it's all clear to me now. People don't want to learn, because if they learn, they will be expected to do...and after all, isn't it easier to feign ignorance and have someone else do it for you?????? Sure, they'll call you stupid, but how stupid can you be, when you're sitting at your desk at your school, while I'm pulling records and faxing them, while calling school districts because I can't get a simple instruction across to you??????? Evil genius maybe?

The same applies to men (not all men....but all large majority). My father (God love him) claimed for the longest time that he didn't know how to operate the dryer. You understand, I showed him, I talked him through it, I had him do it with me helping him, and yet he still claimed he just couldn't get it. When I finally had enough, I took a red Sharpie and drew on the dryer. Giant red lines of pure rage now decorate our dryer panel, but now he knows how to work the dryer. Funny thing though....he can wash clothes now too...without the red sharpie. You see, he always knew how, but it was so much easier to say he didn't. You see where I'm going with this. They all know how....Don't be fooled.

"Be It Ever so Humble...There's No Place Like Home!"

As I was sitting here pondering how to begin this post, I tried to remember when this beach trip "event" started...with no luck. I do know that it used to involve me, Barbara, Kimberly, Karen, Aunt Ann, and Aunt Carolyn stuffed into compact car. Somehow this year we did pick up a few stragglers, but they were welcome additions to the crew.

The weekend as a whole went smoothly. No car trouble, wardrobe malfunctions (unless you count Beth's purse, and I'm almost certain she does), or mistaken room identities. Our only snags came when we decided on places to eat. When you're on a trip with 9 women, all of whom don't want to say where to go, but none of whom have the same tastes, you've got issues....and we did....we had issues. I'm happy to report that they were resolved without incident and everyone seemed pleased enough with our choices...or at least I think they were.

As I reflected on this weekend though, we've certainly changed over the years. We used to be thrilled to go to flea markets and beach stores, and the younger car (as we lovingly referred to it) was even balking at the Tanger outlets. Chucky Cheese used to be the first stop and quite possibly the highlight of the trip. I'm pretty sure I'd rather be tarred and feathered, and there wasn't a movie night to be found. No rousing choruses of "Norman" or "Tell Laura I Love Her" rang through the car, and not a moment was spent drifting through a lazy river.

It was a very different trip, but not any less fun, and not any less tiring. By the time we got home, I was more than ready. On another note, after my Mom died, I wondered if I would feel differently about being away from home. I've always been a homebody and I hated to be away from home. I always wondered if it was really about being away from her. Sure, I missed her...a lot, and I still miss her, but I've come to realize that I miss my actual home. I miss my dogs and my bed and everything that makes my house...me. The mess on the floor in the corner of my room is a comfort to me because it reminds me that I live here and that I'm free to be me here. No matter how old I get, or how far I go...however short a period or long...I'm always thankful to come home.

Back in the Swing of Things

Going back to work after a two week break is never easy, and to be honest, I didn't expect it to be. When I woke up Monday morning, I knew I would feel as if I had been hit like a truck. I did not disappoint myself. Unfortunately, I failed to take into account one thing.....the morning after.

If I thought getting up Monday was rough, today was something I can't even describe. I literally would have thrown myself on the floor and wailed if I thought it would have done any good. It was a truly horrifying experience...especially for those poor individuals that have to work with me.

The days have been tedious and slow, but certainly not uneventful. By the time the end of the day finally arrives I barely have the energy to change clothes and make it to the couch. I was nice (or stupid) enough to get Daddy a Wii for Christmas and I hooked it up the TV in the living room. For the last week or so, I've been treated to Netflix streaming of Gunsmoke movies nonstop. I can't even stop being annoyed at home.

I got home today, primed and ready to put myself in a better mood. I banished my father from the house, turned on the TV, and quickly flipped the channel to find something lighthearted...just in time to come across that charming advertisement for the ASPCA. Seriously????? If you know me at all, you'll know that while I may not always be the most sensitive person towards people, I absolutely adore animals. I spent a full time minutes sniffling and whimpering over a COMMERCIAL! Cleo and Rocky think I'm insane as well since I also pulled them both into smothering hugs. Rocky still won't come out from under the chair (not that it's necessarily a bad thing). Cleo, on the other hand, just kind of cuts her eyes at me as if to ask, "You OK?" Nope..not really.

New Year

My Grandaddy Hoyt used to say, "What you do on New Years Day, you'll do all year long." I have to admit, I was pretty safe given my alarming lack of activity today. The sum total of my physical activity today included putting biscuits in the oven (the frozen kind...don't get excited) and heating ham to go in them. I thought about doing laundry, but that is about as far into that process as I got.

I've decided that doing any sort of physical activity is particularly unappealing to me because I have to return to work on Monday. Don't misunderstand me, I'm very thankful to have a job, and as jobs go, I rather like the one I have, but I dislike the fact that it is somewhere I have to get up and go every day. I believe if I could go in when I woke up, wearing my pajamas, I'd be much more content with this burden. As it stands, I suppose I'll continue being forced into this conformity.

A lot of people make resolutions on this day, and I really should make some of my own. There are plenty of things I could do to better myself. I could resolve to eat healthier, exercise more, and spend more time doing constructive things with my spare time, but that would just lead to breaking resolutions which hardly seems like a worthwhile activity.

Come Monday many of us will be returning to work. Sorry to those of you that have had to return before now, and I don't even want to hear from those of you that don't have to return yet or at all.....One more night to stay up late..one more morning to wake up without an alarm. How long til Spring Break?

2011

"Patriotism is supporting your country all the time and your government when it deserves it."

Mark Twain

I came across the above quote while reading a book earlier today and I think it may be the most brilliant thing I've read in a really, really long time.


Looking back over 2010, I have a lot to be thankful for. I have my health, a job, and a home. In the current economy, no one can take the last two things for granted anymore. Recently I've become increasingly discouraged by the political news. As obvious as it should be to anyone with eyes that this country needs assistance with major issues such as job loss, healthcare, immigration, national security, and many other things....our country's leaders spend their time deciding whether or not homosexuals can fight in the military. Personally, I doubt the working family facing foreclosure cares if the gay man down the street can enlist. I doubt the man who can't get see his doctor because he doesn't have insurance cares either, and I'm pretty certain that the factory worker who lost his job after 20 + years doesn't lose a whole lot of sleep pondering that fact.

We are looking at real issues that will have a real impact on our future and for some reason Washington seems to be more concerned with deciding who can fight in an unwinnable war! Meanwhile, elections are finally over and those campaign ads have finally ceased. Not before the candidates spent millions of dollars trashing each other.....I question any campaign ad that faults another candidate for cutting funding for education when they've just sponsored a slur ad to run on our networks for weeks on end. Perhaps if our elected officials were really all that concerned about education, healthcare, poverty, etc, they could take the money they waste blasting each other on the airways and spend it doing some good.

Speaking of education, you've got all the Washington bigwigs out in full force discussing how concerned they are about public education. You know when they'd really be concerned about public education???? When their children attended public schools.

Whew...I feel better. What about you? :)

Trying this again

I tried creating a blog once and it went well...for about a week. I posted twice and quickly lost interest. I decided to give it another go after the recent technological advances in our family. This blog will more than likely differ greatly from that of our other blogging family members in that it will not focus on children (don't have any), won't talk about making my own household cleaning products (don't use the ones I buy often enough), and won't always have the most positive, uplifting tone.

I really want to use this blog as a sort of a sounding board for me. I have a lot of opinions about a lot of things. I'm quite certain this doesn't come as a shock to any of you and I'm always eager to talk about them, so I'm giving this a go. Please comment if you like, disagree if you do, and we'll see how this goes. :)