Memories

I thought about doing this last year, but I think it was simply too soon for me. After you lose someone that is so important to you, you're told that it will get easier and that time will make it better. At first, you think people are crazy. You're certain that nothing will ever make it easier, and in some aspects, you're right. There will never be a day when I will be ok with losing my Mama. There will never be a time when I won't experience a twinge of sadness when I see mothers and daughters together or when I see a Mother's Day card. The thing that time has brought me is perspective. For quite a few months after Mama died, every memory of her made me cry. It was a reminder of everything that I lost. Thinking of her was painful because it just reminded me that she wasn't here with me any longer. Sometimes I still cry. Sometimes I still feel alone. Sometimes I even think that I haven't made much progress at all, but even then, I'll think of something and I'll smile. I have finally reached the point where memories of her can make me laugh....and that's the best I can hope for. I wanted to write this post not to blather on and on about what I've been through but to honor Mama in a way that I think she deserved. I want to tell you things about her that I loved and the things that I appreciated.

1) Mama never put herself first. From the time I was little, I never remember a time when we were not caring for my grandparents. She wanted them to have company and to never feel lonely. After they became too ill to be alone, we practically moved in here. Mama was the main caretaker in the house and no matter how tired she got, she never let them see it. I watched her work through her own sicknesses. I watched her work through mine. I watched her make suppers and fix medicines and shuttle them back and forth to the doctors. I watched her do all this...not because she had to...but because she knew they needed her. I can remember when Grandaddy died, Mama told me that she didn't have any idea what she was going to do because she'd never had a time in her life where she didn't feel like she had to take care of them. After I found out that she had passed away, the first thing I thought of was them. She was finally with them again and none of them needed to be taken care of anymore.

2) Mama would have done anything in the world for me. All through school, she never missed an APT meeting or a school play. I always had homemade lunches and I was able to bring in snacks for our school parties. I never lacked anything that I needed and I never wanted for anything. She took an interest in my life which taught me that I was important to her. She also took an interest in my schoolwork which made me be a better student. Even throughout high school, she was aware of what my classes were and who my teachers were. I never felt unimportant no matter how much she had going on.

3) Mama always had time for me. Some of my best memories are of us singing some of her "homemade tunes" in the car. She had a knack for coming up with silly songs, one of which was "Puff not Spot" about a dog that thought he was a kitty cat. These songs were just for me and that's what made them special. I never doubted that I was...not for a second. Every night before bed, she'd sing and read to me. Many a night, I'd fall asleep to songs or stories of Miss Piggle Wiggle. Even now, I can sing those songs and though she's not here to sing them to me, I like to think she knows I still think about it.

4) A few things Mama loved:

Randy Travis--Mama always said she would never fly unless someone gave her an all expense paid trip to fly and meet Randy Travis.

Cello cherries--She liked them best straight out of the freezer. I find them revolting. I never did understand her affinity for them.

Duke--Duke died almost one week to the day after Mama did. I think he went to find her. I hope he's with her now. I think he is.

Thinking back, I know I am incredibly luck. For one, I had an absolutely amazing Mother for 26 years. For another, I had a chance to say everything I needed to say to her and I know she heard me. Not everyone gets that chance, and I'm thankful for it. I'll never forget the woman she was and everything she taught me. I know everything happens for a reason, and I can only hope that one day I'll understand. As it stands now, I'll never forget the woman she was and everything she's taught me. She loved me everyday and I'll love and remember her forever.

Catching Up...

So it's been a while since I've posted. Here's a brief overview of my life the last few months:

1) I've developed yet another medical issue. It all started in the middle of the night when I was seriously contemplating the amputation of my big toe. When I hobbled into work the next morning, and explained the situation, I was given all sorts of possible solutions. Most people were convinced I'd injured it somehow yet there were a few that thought it was gout. One dear friend remarked, "It can't be gout...only old men get gout." Good news guys, that rumor can be put to rest....twenty-something year old females also get gout. Lucky me. :)

2) Frightening development in my life...while I was in the doctor's office waiting on them to diagnose my toe issue, I was filling out paperwork. When I had to fill out my age, it occurred to me that I couldn't remember how old I was. When does that happen exactly? When you can't remember for sure if you're 27 or 28 or maybe 29. It's sad that I don't even keep track. It's even sadder that doing the math in my head was incredibly difficult.

3) Working full time, trying to keep a house running, and being a full time student stinks! I always liked school and I still enjoy the classes, but this whole working full time and coming home to the other job of being a student is tougher than I planned. Before you say it, I know that I'll be so glad I did it once it's done. I'm just not thrilled with the process at the moment.

4) I think I might have a serious addiction to technology. I don't quite know when it happened. It is indeed a rare occurrence to find me without my Kindle/Ipod/Ipad/Droid/Computer with me. It's a scary state of affairs when someone as anti-social as myself has become this connected to the world.

5) A few quotes I've found recently that I quite enjoyed.... Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. -Mark Twain There are no stupid questions. There are a lot of inquisitive idiots. Sometimes the first screw that comes loose is the one that holds the tongue firmly in place.